


The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat.

by Lady_GothiKa



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anders dresses as woman to marry Hawke, Awkward Tension, Bad superheros, Blood Mage Hawke, Bromance to Romance, Cat Puns, Champions on the streets and smiting in the sheets., Drug Use, Elder abuse, FREEDOM!!!, Fangirl Trevelyan, Fluff and Humor, Food Fights, Freedom, Hawke is a drama queen, M/M, Mages vs. Templars, Marriage, Poor Cullen Rutherford, Purple Hawke, Romance Comedy, Swearing, Teenage mage trevelyan, lots of humor, slumber parties, vigilantes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-11 09:10:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12932118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_GothiKa/pseuds/Lady_GothiKa
Summary: The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat.Hawke and Anders decide to its's a good idea to become mage freeing vigilantes after becoming high on strange Qunari drugs.





	1. The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat.

**The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat.**

 

 

 

 

"Hawke, what...what is that?" Anders asks. Hawke sat on the floor of his bedroom in Hightown, legs spread crushing a unknown greenish white power. "Dunno, some Quinari shit." Hawke wiped his nose with his thumb. "Where did you get that, what does it do?" Anders sat next to Hawke on his knees, "Nicked it from some crates from the docks, and from what I hear it's kinda like lyrium but with a extra kick." Hawke winks at Anders. "So you're just going to take that?!" Anders was being a doctor again, Hawke hated it. "Stop being a fucking square Anders." Hawke hissed. Anders didn't say a word, he watched him grounding up the powered, how bad could lyrium infused stuff be anyway, they both had taken lyrium on many occasions.

 

Hawke passed the power to Anders, "Ladies first." Hawke gave his wicked charming grin, he could get anyone to do anything. "Hawke, I don't know about this..." his voice broke. "What's the worst that can happen Anders?...you'll have some fun and drown out that Justice for a few hours... he never lets us have any fun." Hawke gave Anders sad puppy dog eyes. "FINE." Anders grabbed the bowl, "But if you tell Varric about this...I swear--" ... " This is just between us.." Hawke rubbed his soft hand over Anders thigh, giving him a soft pinch. Anders cheeks blushed and dusted some powered onto the cutting board, he lined it into segments snorted it up his nose, his head felt dizzy as he looked up to Hawke he sniffed his nose, it felt like sand stuck in his nostrils, he shoved the board back to Hawke. Anders squinted his eyes at Hawke as he too snorted the powered, they looked at each for a moment,

"Don't worry what's the worst thing that can happen." Hawke smirked.

 

**_One hour later........_ **

 

 

"This the best idea you have ever had!" Anders jumped on the bed, adrenaline and lyrium flowing through their blood, "I know, why didn't I ever think of this before?!" Anders pulled on a black mask, made out of cut out bed sheets and he wore a tight black top with a cat on the front, it was one of Bethany's, Hawkes younger sister, and a cape made from a white curtain with a badly drawn cat on the back, his blonde hair was in two buns on the top of his head like cat ears. "I am Cat'astrophe Cat!" Anders yelled, throwing his fist in the air.

 

"And I, I am The Nighthawke!!" Hawke turned, he wore a red mask similar to Anders, a white fabric top with red painted hawk on the front, his champion gloves, boots and a red bed sheet tied around his neck. "Save me Sir!" Anders swooned and held the back of his hand to his forehead, pretending to faint on the bed. " I'll save the damsel!" Hawke roared and picked Anders up in his arms, cradling him with his legs draped over his arms. "If, only there was a doctor." Hawke whispered deep seductively.

 

"Boys, what are you doing?"  Leandra tried to opened Hawkes bedroom door. "Mum, I told you to fucking knock, get out!" Hawke yells, still holding Anders in his arms. "Garrett, what are you doing?...don't tell me you're doing blood magic again!" She nagged. "No, go away." He yelled back. "Bitches be bitches," Scoffed Anders. Hawke slowly dropped Anders to his feet again. "We should leave, but...but the templars," He rolled his eyes. "They'll never let us have fun." Anders crossed his arms, "We should just go the Gallows and fucking kill them." ... "YES, YES!!!" Anders yelled, "FREE THE MAGES!"  ... "FREEDOM!!!!" Hawke howled. "Garrett, no...you can't!" Leandra whined from the other side of the door.

 

Hawke pushed the door open, holding Anders hand, "We are leaving mother." Hawke growled grasping his favourite staff at the door, "Garrett, what are you wearing? ...Anders?!" Hawke gave a Leandra a wink as he turned to close to the door, "Shhh, mummy dear, don't wake the templars."

 

                                                                                                  

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

Anders ran through the streets of Hightown, his makeshift curtain cap flapped in the wind. The full moon shone down lighting their way, "FREEDOM!" He yelled, dogs barked and cat meowed in the distance, "Hawke, there's a fucking cat!" ... "Free it!" Hawke yelled back. Anders ran up to the cat and lifted it in the air with both of his arms, "YOU ARE FREE!"  Anders tucked the big tabby under his arm. "He can be mascot or, something." Anders shrugged, "What a _Purrfect_ idea." Hawke grinned.

 

Hawke hadn't felt this good in ages, he felt as free as bird, he was a bird, he sawed through the air as they ran to the docks to catch a boat to the Gallows. Anders stopped before entering the boat, "Do you think this a good idea?!" Anders paused. "Get your skinny ass in here, the mages need us." Hawke growled. "You're right." Anders scoffed jumping into the boat, the tabby in his arms now on his lap.

 

The water was choppy with the full moon, Anders patted the cat as Hawke rowed, it was a simple boat made from old wood, the wind picked up the sail that helped them along. "I can't wait to kill the templars." Anders groaned, his eyes where red and tired. "Too bad we can't tie gaatlok to the cat." Hawke shrugged looking at the fat tabby. "Shit, Hawke that's messed up even for you." Anders pushed his face back, disgusted. He looked down at the tabby and scratched his fat chin, "I was planning to blow up the Chantry though...with sela petrae." Anders confessed, he felt light and he wanted to confess for ages now, Justice had always held him back. "Fuck, Anders...you were going to blow up the Chantry with bombs made out of shit?"..."That was the plain." Anders shrugged, Hawke didn't know what to think, he knew Anders was hiding something, but this? ... "That's fucking awesome." He muttered.

 

Anders eyes lit up, "You think so?" he smiled wide, "Damn straight, Cat'astrophe Cat!" Hawke clinched his fist and put it towards Anders. "C'mon, tap it, TAP IT" He howled. They knocked their fists together and Hawke made a loud exploding _booom_ sound with his mouth.

 

"Did I ever tell you, I loved you?" Anders muttered shyly. "Yeah, about seven times...eight times now." Hawke talked fast his mind on edge, "But, I love you too." Hawke managed a half smile. "Did I ever tell you I loved men with beards." Anders chuckled. "No." Hawke stared at him. He still faintly remembered Karl, but this wasn't the time for lovey dovey crap, Hawke had always felt awkward when it came to romance. "Then you should grow one, a long blonde one." Hawke laughed, "You'd look like a fucking wizard," Hawked laughed louder. "Would you find it sexy?" Anders felt over his stubble, considering the beard. "Only if you let me braid it." Hawke winked.

 

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

The boat arrived at the docks, it was well past midnight now, Hawke helped Anders out of the boat, grabbing him by one of his hands, as he held the fat tabby with the other, Hawke had always loved how skinny and tall Anders was, he thought to himself "Thank you Nighthawke." Anders smirked with a giggle. They walked up the stairs of the gallows, staves ready in their hands, the door was the only thing left in their way.

 

Hawke took a step back and kicked the in, he had always been more buff then the usual mage. The door caved in, splintering off his hinges. "Show off," Anders muttered under his breath. "You love it." Hawke grunted flexing his muscles, Anders had always loved Hawkes body, and how his hair was always did that spikey thing when he styled it, Anders blushed while thinking about it.

 

"Who in the void do you think you are?!" A templar came storming towards the door.

 

"I am the Nighthawke!!" Hawke yelled, punching the templar in the face through his helmet, The fell backwards and hit the ground with a thump. "Shit, that hurt!" Hawke clenched his now bloody fist, Anders grasped his hand healing Hawkes bloody busted knuckles. "Thanks love." He smirked at Anders. "One templar down!" Anders giggled.

 

They walked through the dark halls with their staves lit, they came across another templar, "MAGES!" He yelled, screaming for the others. "I am Cat'astrophe Cat!" Anders yelled. "What the fuck?" The templar tilted his head. "Taste of my pussy!" Anders threw the fat tabby at the templar, "AH, SHIT GET IT OFF!" The templar screamed as the latched onto his templar skirt. "Good one, Pussy Boy."  Hawke laughed, Anders squinted his eyes and finally rock fisting the templar down. "Good kitty." Anders picked the cat up again, "One point to the cat!" ... "Shit, were taking points now?"  Anders shrugged, "Why not."

 

Three more templars came storming down the hall, "GET THEM!" one yelled.

 

"Well look what the _cat_ bagged in, Cat'astrophe Cat!" Hawke yelled deep. "You gotta be _kitten_ me." Anders yelled back. They both swag their staves around freezing and burning the templars in one go, the templars screamed as they burned, "It's time to let the _cat_ out of the bag." Hawke growled. They moved forward at a faster pace.

 

"Ha, Knight Commander Cullen!" Cullen looked shocked, he didn't know how to react. "Hawke...Anders?" he tilted his head. "No, the Nighthawke!" Hawke howled deep. "Shit, can we even kill him?" Anders muttered. "WHAT?" Cullen yelled. "Nuh, he's a main character." Hawke shrugged. "Shit." Anders groaned. "Lets tie him down." Hawke pounced, tackling Cullen to the ground, "Get me some fucking rope, Pussy boy." Anders snarled while pulling some from the curtains in the hall. "What do you think you're doing?" Cullen struggled. "I'll have you both locked in the Gallows for this!" He threatened, "That's not very nice." Anders muttered. "Wait." Anders yelled to Hawke as he was about to move forward, "Mhm?" Hawke was intrigued, Anders pulled a marker out of his satchel, the same one he drew the cat on his cape. Anders started drawing on Cullen's face. "Stop squirming, you'll ruin it." Hawke couldn't see what Anders was doing, be he already like it. Anders moved back, he had drawn a cat face on Cullen's, ears, nose and whiskers with a tongue hanging out of it's mouth. "I fucking love you Anders." Hawke turned to him, Anders blushed and Cullen rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, it's only somewhat permeant." Anders ripped a bit of fabric and gagged Cullen with it, he grunted loud. "No hard _felines_." Anders giggled back at Cullen.

 

"How many points do I get for that?" Anders smirked. 

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

They were getting farther into the Gallows, this is where they kept the mages and tranquil, "Melt the locks with your staff." Anders pulled on the ceil doors, "Cat'astrophe Cat, is setting you all free!" He yelled so they could hear. The mages rattled their the ceil doors as Anders and Hawke melted the locks on each one, "Hey, so what are going to do with all these mages?" Hawke turned to Anders as he burned the locks, "Shit, like I know, but anywhere is better than here." He shrugged, it was a good point, these ceils where terrible. Anders shuffled along burning locks almost done, the fat tabby was getting heavy in his arms, but there was no way he was going to let go of it.

 

Six maybe seven templars came rushing in as the mages where pouring out, "STOP!" They yelled. "I'll handle this love." Hawke growled, pulling a dagger from his belt, slicing his hand open and let the blood run free, red light lit up his eyes and he held them all in a crushing prison, than pulled out causing them to be ripped from limb to limb into bloody chucks of meat and steel. "Shit, I ain't normally big on blood magic but that was...fucking cool." Anders kicked a peace of chest plate on the ground.

 

Hawke ripped a bit of cloth from his cape and tied it around his hand, binding it. "Hawke." Anders came close, he was almost kissable reach.... Hawke thought about it, it was a perfect moment... But he would let Anders take the first step, he didn't want to rush things. "You have a tooth in your beard." Oh, was that all? Hawke thought, Anders placed his fingers to his beard and pulled out the long bloody tooth. "Ew." Anders muttered flicking it to the ground, and whipping his fingers.

 

Wanna go home? Hawke smiled at Anders. "your place or mine?" Anders winked.

 

 

  
 

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

**_Five hours later......._ **

 

 

"Anders?" Hawke muttered, his head was dizzy... "Shit, am I in Darktown?" He groaned, he moved forward, something was heavy on his chest, Anders was curled up to his chest...Anders and a fat cat. His hand moved down and brushed Anders thick blonde hair, his hand ached, "Fuck, it wasn't a dream." He felt over his face and beard... "Anders..." He muttered softly, trying to wake him gently, "Mhm... Hawke." he moaned softly in his sleep... Hawke ran a finger over his cheek softly, "Anders.." he flicked his eyes open softly... "Hawke... I had the weirdest dream." He whispered half asleep. "Sorry love, it wasn't a dream." Anders moved forward quickly, sitting up eyes wide. "WHAT?" Hawke showed him his hand, Anders grabbed it and healed it over with his soft hands. "Shit." Hawke laughed. "Pretty much." ..."We freed the mages?!" He turned to Hawke, Anders didn't know what to say, he had wanted this for years, how was he supposed to react? Anders screamed. "Whoah now, Cat'astrophe Cat." Hawke muttered, his head was still spinning. He pulled himself up and walked over to Anders, "just tell me one thing?"

 

"Yes?" Anders smiled.

He scooped Anders up into his arms, and cradled him. "Does the guy get the gir-- guy?" He almost got it wrong.

"For today, yes." Anders smiled.

Hawke leaded down and kissed Anders full on the lips, Anders placed a hand on Hawkes face, running his fingers through his beard as they kissed long and hard.

 

**_Knock... knock._ **

 

"Shit." Hawke placed Anders feet on the ground, "Way to fucking ruin the moment." He grunted at the door.

Hawke opened the door with Anders besides him.

 

It was Cullen and group of templars, "Shit." Anders said.

 

Hawke and Anders looked at each other a brief moment, and slammed their fists together, as best friends and as lovers.

 

"The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat!!!" They yelled together.

 

"Pussy boy," Hawke muttered.


	2. Ostwick Tower of Tantrums.

 

 

 

_This wasn't the end, only the beginning._

 

Anders pulled his mask on, tying it to the back of his head, his hair in two buns like cat ears. One fingerless glove on after another, his cat cape draped around his neck and his cat face shirt that was tucked into his trousers he had bowered from Hawke, they were tight for Hawke, but slightly lose on him, the knees scuffed open and a belt with a with a silver belt buckle shone in the light, it had reminded him of Ser pounce-a-lot.

 

Two buff arms pulled him tight from behind, Hawke fiddled with his Anders shirt, straightening it out and pulling the belt tighter. "Are you ready to fuck shit up, love?" Hawke whispered into Anders ear, his beard tickling the side of Anders neck. "With you, always Nighthawke." Anders turned, to face Hawke, his beard was pulled tight into two short braids with beads and his mustache styled curled up with wax, his white shirt with the red painted hawk and his red mask and cape.

 

Hawke past Anders the strange Quinari drugs, Anders had always questioned the drugs, what was it really for and what they made out of, but he never said no to drowning out Justice for a few hours.

 

Anders took the powder, and sat back waiting for it too kick in, he had tried to convince Hawke to take him back to the Fereldan Circle tower, the one he had been locked up for two decades in, but Hawke was a fucking pansy and didn't want to leave his mother alone for too long, they had settled half way and decided that Ostwick is where they'd start.

 

**~~~-x-x----o----x-x-~~~ **

 

Gaatlok the cat was ready and placed in a satchel over Ander's shoulder, the world feel the bite of his pussy.

 

"Anders if something happens to me..." Hawke looked Anders briefly, "I get your shit, yeah...yeah... I know." Anders signed, Anders was okay with getting his place in Hightown, but his mother came with the lot, Anders had tried to convince Hawke to just chuck her into a old folks home but Hawke thought it was a waste of my money, his exacted words to Leandra where, "I'd throw you into a fucking home if I could fucking afford it." Anders still dreamed of a day they could have there own place away from a Hawke's mother to barge into his room and tell them to stop making out.

 

Maybe Anders could even get his own place in Kirkwall if there wasn't wanted posters hanging everywhere for a Cat'astrophe Cat, Hawke said he'd take care of it, but all he did was hire some kid to go around and cross out 'Cat'astrophe Cat' and replaced it with 'Pussy Boy.'

 

Ostwick tower laid ahead, it was bigger than Fereldan's. "Do you think the templars are compensating for something?" Hawke chuckled like a little girl.  Anders signed, he wasn't in the mood for jokes, his blood was thick of magic and he wanted to burn some templars. "Why did the templar kill the teacher; he was teaching kids to spell." Hawke giggled again, Anders didn't find that funny. "Oh, come on Anders, talk dirty to me... Wanna play the secret desire demon?" Hawke smirked. "No........later." Anders finally managed a smile.

 

The Tower was getting closer, this was one of those fancy ones he had read about, golden Orlesian lion statues out the front and right on a cliff over looking the ocean.

 

"Do you think mages here even want to be free?" Hawke looked around, "Dunno." Anders wasn't sure, but he didn't care. "You know Cat'astrophe Cat, this is my first time in a tower, but If anyone can fuck it up, it's us though." Hawke winked at Anders, fucking up a tower was something had always wanted to do with Hawke.

 

"Should we knock?" Hawke laughed as he reached the door, Anders rolled his eyes at him, "I'll take that as a yes, stand back and watch the pro." Hawke knocked twice on the door.

 

A templar came to the door and squinted his eyes at them, "This a tower for mages not for the mentally ill."  He was looking at Anders cat like buns. "We're here collecting money for mage freedom, wanna buy some fucking cookies?" Hawke asked. The templar cocked his head to the right and frowned, "Apostates are selling cookies now?"

 

"No, not really...." Hawke punched him in the face, knocking the templar out cold. "And that Anders, is how it is done." Hawke cracked his knuckles in his fist.

 

"This tower is pretty swanky." Hawke's ran his finger across the wall, it had large white marble tiles and white brick walls. "I don't like it." Anders muttered, "Too clean." He smirked, he pulled out some paint from his satchel, moving the cat around and started painting a large cat one the wall with quick strokes, a cat with hawk wings. "Nice!" Hawke muttered. "I always knew you where skilled with those little soft hands of yours, but that's taking it to a next level Cat'astrophe Cat." Hawke winked.

 

"Well, you do know Nighthawke, doctors are good with their hands." Anders winked back. "No, wonder you made me wait for three years." Hawke laughed. Anders was flusted and annoyed, "Does Justice enjoy it just as much or does tell you stop?" Hawke giggled, he was really enjoying himself, Hawke was always laughing at his own jokes. "I once heard Justice moan _'Freedom_ ' but I didn't know whether it was for mages or just to get away from you."

 

"I hate you Hawke." Anders squinted his eyes back at him and dropped his paint brush at his feet. "Pfft, you fucking love me, you tall shit, you're all like" Hawke spoke in his highest girlish voice, he had learned from coping his little sister. " _marry me Hawke, kiss me Hawke, fuck me on the expensive rug in the dinning room Hawke._ "

 

Anders closed his eyes he was glad he was so high he could taste colours, "I fucking hate you and I am starving,"

"I love you too Pussy Boy." Hawke laughed, and brag a arm around Anders hip, "Lets go kill and eat something, love... "

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

The halls where fancy, there were chandlers and expensive looking art hanged in gold plated frames on the walls. Hawke had imaged there would be more templars in the circle, "This seems off." Anders muttered looking around, at least Hawke didn't feel like the only one who thought this was odd.

 

A templar walked towards them, doing is rounds of the hall. He stopped and looked at them, he didn't scream or call out, "Mages, how many times have I told you, there's a dress code, you are supposed to be wearing robes not walking around wearing whatever Andraste's name is that, just because you think you own the tower you doesn't mean you can dress in whatever the fuck you want." He signed opening a cardboard and throwing robes at them.

 

"Dress and be ready for dinner."

"Dinner?" Anders looked at him wide eyed, his pupils dilating.

"Did I fucking stutter mage? DINNER." He walked off.

 

Anders ripped pulled his cape and mask off and threw the robe on top of his costume, Hawke wasn't going to say no to dinner either, he pulled on the robe as well. He looked at Anders it fitted his slim build perfectly, Hawke on the other hand not so much, his robes where so tight around his arms they where to point he could move in them and the skirt just felt wrong. "I am wearing a fucking dress..." Hawke signed, "A sexy dress." Anders chuckled looking at his buff arms in the tight robes.

 

Hawke and Anders trailed after the templar looking for the Circles dinning room, Anders could smell the food, "This way.." He grabbed Hawkes arm and ran towards the smell, "Whoah now kitty cat." Hawke was trying to run but the tight robes where restricting his movements. "FOOD!"

 

The mages gathered around the hall, all dressed in matching robes with tranquil serving food, "We probably should save these tranquil." Hawke muttered, "After dinner." Anders groaned. They both piled their plates high with food and sat amongst the other mages, they choose a table that no one sat at, sitting next to each other. "This food is amazing." Hawke scoffed it in his mouth, "Uh...huh...."  Anders moaned with his mouth full.

 

Anders dropped his fork looking down at the steak on his plate. "Hawke, I dunno if it's the drugs but I think this steak is breathing."  He grasped, Hawke wasn't sure, but he was scared he was right, he swallowed his food fast and got a knife and poked it, Anders screamed feel off his chair back onto the ground, "IT'S ALIVE!" Hawke threw the steak into the air and frisbeed it away, "Oh shit."

 

A lady stood up, it had hit her straight in the face, gravy dripping off her nose and chin. Hawke shuffled closer, he could hardly move, "Shit...let me get that." Hawke licked his thumb and wiped her chin, bring his thumb back to his mouth. "Mhm, excellent cuisine." Hawke muttered, looking up at her fancy hat.

 

"I am Madame de Fer." She scoffed in her high bitchy tone. " AND I AM THE CHAMPION OF KIRKWAAAALL!" Hawke roared as loud as he could and pulling the hat from her head and putting it on his own. "OH NOOOOOO!" Anders yelled back. "I never!" She puffed crossing arms. "These fools are off their minds!" She tried the grab the hat off Hawke but he moved back to fast. "Throw it to me!!" Anders yelled, Hawke tossed it and Anders leaped through the air catching it and placing it on his head. Anders jumped on to the table where people where eating, now watching and screamed loud. "I AM CAT'ASTROPHE CAT, LOOK UPON MY PUSSY." Anders pulled the fat tabby out of his satchel and held it high in the air with large fancy hat on his head.

 

"MAGE GET OFF THE TABLE!" A templar yelled loud. "FINE." he jumped down holding the cat. Anders sneered at him, "I will have reported!" The lady snatched the hat off his head, "Fuck you." Anders hissed, "you and your stupid hat." Madame de Fer turned around a slapped Anders across the face. "OUCH, BITCH!" He squealed. Hawke shuffled over rage in his eyes. "Did you just slap my boyfriend?!" Hawke yelled.

 

"I did hit your...friend." She scoffed. Hawke picked up a pudding on the table a mage was eating and threw it in her face. " NO ONE, TOUCHES MY BOYFRIEND BUT ME!" Hawke yelled. "BREAK IT UP!" A templar came rushing in and grabbing the woman away, "I will have you thrown in solitary for this she screamed!" wiping the pudding off her face. "BED, NOW!" A templar yelled at both of them. "BUT I AM NOT TIRED!" Anders yelled back, slamming his foot on the ground.

 

"It's fine, we'll go." Hawke grabbed Anders arm and took him away, "stupid Circle always telling me what to do." He snuffed, "It's alright Cat'astrophe Cat, we can kill them later." Anders smiled at Hawke, "Thank you love."

 

They walked through the mage dorms, "I think we are technically apprentices, we should go in here." Anders huffed. 

 

The room was full of bunk beds, robes and books. "What kinda fucking square lives in here." Hawke muttered. "Us apparently." Anders rolled his eyes. "Anders, help me out of this Maker forsaken robe." Anders grabbed the robe from the skirt and tried to pull it up over this head, he got it up half way but it wouldn't budge, "Hawke, I think it's stuck." Anders mumbled. "WHAT?" Hawke yelled, the robe was stuck on his arms and pulled from his waist up covering his head. "What if I am like this forever?" Hawke was freaking out, panicking. "Well at least I have pants on, otherwise this would be awkward." Hawke signed, "True..." Anders giggled... He had his pay back planed now... "Stay still love, this might help." Anders pulled on Hawkes belt and undid the buckle, and pulling his trousers loose and letting them fall to his ankles. "Lovely knickers." Anders laughed, he heard mage girls giggling, "Well that's my cue to leave." Anders chuckled and hid behind a cabinet.

 

Hawke was left there standing with a robe half way over his torso and his trousers around his ankles, "ANDERS! GET YOUR SKINNY ARSE BACK HERE!" Hawke called hear laughing around the distance.

 

"Oh my..." He heard a females voice.

 

"This isn't what it looks like." Hawke moaned, his thighs felt cold.

 

"I am not sure what it exactly looks like to be honest." The female muttered. "Are those cats on your----"

"They are my boyfriends." Hawke groaned, it seemed like a good idea at the time, not so much anymore.

"Do you want me to help you?" She asked, "Nuh, I already excepted life stuck within this robe." Hawke moved forward tripping on his trousers around his ankles, and falling forward on his knees. "Okay, maybe you can help." He muttered.

She pulled on the robe with both hands, the robe ripped off and she feel backwards with it in her hands. "Shit, that was tight!" She laughed. Hawke looked at her, she must of been maybe fourteen or sixteen. "My name is Evelyn Trevelyan." She smiled, "Say, would you like to come to my party?" Hawke looked around and pulled his pants up, "Can I come?" Anders asked, walking over finally. Hawke looked at him and snarled, "Oh, that's your boyfriend, he's pretty." She giggled looking at his blonde hair. "Come on, it'll be fun!" She smiled,

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

Hawke could go for a few drinks he thought and few games of wicked grace, this girl wouldn't be any match for him, he could clean her out faster than she could say---- "Makers balls!" he muttered, it was all teenage girls, "What kind of party is this?!" there was no drinks or cards... "It's a slumber party silly!!" She giggled.

 "OH, paint my nails!" Anders giggled. "A girl screamed, "YES!" Anders screamed back and jumped onto the bed. Hawke looked around the room, there was poster of Varric on the wall... This was odd, why in Andraste's name would they have a poster of Varric and boys who look like Fenris.... "Girls.... What's Varric doing on your walls?" She rolled her eyes. "Haven't you read his books?! They are AMAZING!" She squealed again, she held up a signed copy of Swords and Shields.

 

Hawke grabbed the book and flicked through the pages.

 

 

  _"What a large sword you have there guardsman."_

_"Yes, it's a fine strong blade but it's looking a little dull."_

_"Perhaps if you were to let me sharpen it, such a long fine blade should always be ready in a fight."_

_"You must let me sheath it first."_

" _It's bigger than I thought"_

_"Now I shall rise it for you."_

_"You are very skilled handling your blade guardsman."_

 

_"I practice long and hard just to please you guard Captain."_

_"The blade is ready for you."_

 

 

"SHIT..." Hawke couldn't believe read that out loud, "You read that?"

"You aren't suppose to read it out loud..." She rolled her eyes at Hawke, another girl was painting Anders fingernails, "Sparkles please, purple...no not pink....UGH." Anders whined.

"I uh, like your hair." A girl spoke to Anders.

"Thanks they are my man buns." Anders smirked.

 

"I'd like to squeeze me some buns." Hawke laughed.

 

"So how long have you been dating?"  Evelyn asked looking at Hawke while she bit her nails.

"Awhile?" Hawke, didn't like these questions they made him extremely uncomfortable.

 

"What's it like dating another man? Is it strange.... Does it hurt? I read somewhere that it does...."

"WHAT?" Hawke was completely mortified, he was getting asked about sex from this little girl.

Anders laughed, "Don't worry about it love."

"Yeah, ask Anders, he's the one that likes to take it." Hawke laughed.

Anders rolled his eyes at Hawke, "No, it doesn't hurt...." Hawke couldn't believe he was answering her.

 

"Alright, alright enough with the questions and answers..."  Hawke yelled.

"Oh, but please!" She looked at him sad, she used her big blue sad eyes at him. "No." Hawke demanded.

"Fine, be boring... You probably shit in bed anyway." She laughed.

 

"He's alright...." Anders shrugged..

 

Alright?! Just alright? Hawke couldn't believe it, he thought Anders was amazing...

Hawke hissed at Anders. "Don't be like that love, you're good with your mouth once you shut up." Anders laughed.

"Ohhhh... What's that like?!" She asked Anders.

"Sweetheart, I may be a doctor, but I am not going to explicitly describe what it feels like to have Hawke's mouth on my---" Anders looked at Hawke snarling, he was going red... "On my-----"....."On my staff." He gulped.

 "A doctor huh?" She fluttled her eyelashes at Anders. "Yeah, sweetheart... And I work part time as mage freeing vigilantly." He winked... "Oh wow, that's...like...like...amazing!"

"Have my children!!" She squealed.

 

"Whoah...now...." Anders backed away, "I am a Grey Warden, I can't have children...." He backed away more.

"YOU'RE A GREY WARDEN ASWELL?!" Her eyes widened, "HAWKE SAVE ME!!!" Anders screamed.

 

Hawke quickly scoped up Anders into his arms, "Get us out of here Nighthawke!!!" Anders squealed. Hawke ran through the halls and up the stairs with Anders in his arms, he puffed as he climbed the steps on after another... "That was close." Hawke puffed again breathing heavy... "I don't know what that was, but that...that was not a party."

 

They climbed the stairs higher and higher...

 

They finally reached the top, and walked through a hall, it was long and a lot more fancier than the rest of the tower. "Oh shit." Hawke mumbled. It was the lady he had stolen the hat from, the fancy bitch lady.

 

"YOU!" She hissed from around the corner. "I will have you taken away, mark my words!" Her voice was high and bitchy, she grabbed Hawke by his shirt and dragged him into her room, "I want a word with you, now we are alone."

"Leave him alone!" Anders whined.

"No." She hissed again.

 

"Unhand me... Madame de..." Hawke couldn't remember her stupid name, he could remember it was stupid... Something with a F sound...

"Madame de fart?" Hawke tilted his head...

"Madame de fluff." Anders tried to correct Hawke...

"No...no it was defiantly ' _Madame de fart_.' "

"Madame de Fer, FER!" She went red.

 

" _Fart_." Hawke looked up at her,  Madame de Fer reacted by kicking Hawke straight between the legs, his face went red and fell to his knees, "OH SHIT!" Anders stepped back, "Hawke, does it hurt?!"

Hawkes eyes red and watery, the veins in face where thick. "just.........a........little."  He breathed deep, "bit."

 

Anders grabbed a silk pillow off the bed and hit her in the face with it, "TAKE THAT BITCH!"

Her hat got knocked from her head. "You hit me!!" She picked up a pillow and hit Anders back.

"I WILL REVENGE MY LOVE!" Anders laughed deep and hit Madame de Fe back over the head with the silk cushion. "Come back here!!" She called as Anders jumped out of the way. "I am dying..." Hawke groaned on the floor holding himself in his hands, " I have fallen, tell my mother....not to touch my shit...." He moaned...

" _HAAAAWKE_." Anders moaned dramatically, _"HE WAS TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"_ Anders fell to his knees _"NOOOOO!"_

 

"You're mentally ill." She crossed her arms looked at Anders. "Well hello captain obvious." Hawke moaned on the floor, "We both are... And extremely high."

"TEMPLARS!" She yelled. "Shit! SHIT!" Anders picked Hawke up from the ground. "Shit I can't be captured I have Gaatlok in my bag!" 

She screamed loud and ran out of the room...

The fat tabby stuck his head out, "Shit, that was close." He pushed the tabby back in.. "Hawke, we gotta get out of here!!" Hawke nodded painfully. "Yeah.....good....idea." He closed his eyes.

 

Templars where running towards them, "Shit!!!" Anders threw Hawkes arm around his neck. "Looks like we are escaping the tower the old fashion way." Hawke had no idea what he meant by that...

Anders was a pro at escaping towers, he had already done it seven times, this would be a piece of cake.

 

Anders kicked a door and it leaded to a balcony, overlooking the ocean. "Shit, FUCK." Hawke looked down at the ocean. Five templars came at them, "Get those mages!!" One yelled, they drew their blades at them. Anders moved back towards the edge. "This will be the day you almost caught, Cat'astrop---ARGHHHH!" Anders tripped and fell back off the towers balcony, Hawke in hand, they fell and fell and fell..........

 

**_SPLASH...._ **

 

 

Anders grasped for air and latched onto Hawke, the salt water in his eyes. "HAWKE!!" ... "ANDERS!" They both held each other, the cat came out the bag and swam next to them, "MY PUSSY IS WET." Anders cried.

 

 

 

 

 

______

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have way too much fun writing these.... I'll write one every now and again if people will actually read it... so if you want more just say so... otherwise I probably won't bother... unless I am like super bored... XD 
> 
> -On a side note.... if you like it, what would you like to see them do for a next chapter? I am up for anything...
> 
> I am thinking at the moment... [Hawke and Anders go to another tower and try to pose as templars...] I like the sound of that.... 
> 
> -I stole the Swords and Shields text from Pride and Purity too... (Another one of my Stories) Obviously... the scene was between Solas and the Inquisitor... X'D 
> 
> Oh my goodness... this was a looooong night writing this... UGH
> 
> ____________
> 
> So yeah, if you want more... just say so...... 
> 
> P.s. if somehow it's just me laughing at my own jokes and this is just really shit, please let me know too... my jokes are sooo 9:10 dragon..... UGH. ....Also, do you like the art?? C'mon it's f*cking awesome....
> 
>  
> 
> \- I do not condone elder abuse... X'D


	3. High in Hightown.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This ain't the typical The Nighthawke and Cat'astrophe Cat Chapter... but It was idea I had.. and these two...omg... just yes...

**High in Hightown.**

 

 

 

**_The door bell rang....._ **

 

 

 

 

"Master Hawke..." Bodahn called at Hawkes door, than knocked three times.

 

"NO." Hawke, pulled the blanket up over his head, He looked down at Anders he was still fast asleep, he had drooled all over Hawkes chest. "Ugh." he grumbled. Gaatlok the cat attacked Hawkes feet from under the blankets, digging his fangs into his toes. "SHIT." He kicked the cat by _accident_ and it feel off the bed with a huge ** _thump_**.

 

Hawke wiped his face, he was sick of everything... Sick of being the Champion, sick of Bodahn...his old ass mother... He loved Anders but even he had his baggage, Justice and all. 

 

"Master Hawke..." Bodahn called again, if only he left that fucking dwarf in the Deep Roads... 

 

"WHAT?!" Hawke yelled so loud he woke up Anders and probably half of Hightown.

 

"There's a girl for you at the door, she won't tell me her name... But she's young."

 

Great, Hawke thought... This is exactly how he wanted to spend his Saturday, he pulled his trousers on one leg at a time, than slipped on his Amell embodied dressing robe. "Anders, get your skinny ass out of bed." Hawke nudged Anders. "Fuck you." Anders threw a pillow at Hawke, "Don't make me, kitty cat." Hawke hissed, looking down at tall lazy shit of a boyfriend.

 

"I am not making you breakfast." Anders moaned, Hawke was hoping for breakfast but Anders was a shit cook, the first time he had tried to make dinner he managed the set the kitchen on fire, what in the void did they teach him in that fucking tower. Hawke mumbled something under is breath. "I am not a fucking house wife." Anders looked up at Hawke, he had his arms crossed. "You're a fucking house wife, if I say so..."

 

"Oh yes dear, I'll put my hair in rollers and wear a pretty dress." Hawke thought about that for a second, he might even look attractive like that, his hair all wavy and blonde... "You already wear fucking dresses." Hawke shook the picture out of his head. "They are called robes...fuckwitt." Anders pulled himself out of bed and threw his black feathered robe over his shoulders, his bare chest showing. he pulled the sheets up on the bed at looked at Hawke, "What are you looking at?" Hawke couldn't help himself from staring, Anders was a total bitch, but Anders was Hawkes bitch. "C'mon here." Hawke opened his arms, "I don't want to hug you." Anders rolled his eyes.

 

"Ah, yeah you do..." Hawkes arms where still open for a cuddle.

 

Anders walked past him and grabbed the cat and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

 

"Pussy boy." Hawke grunted.

 

"I heard that." Anders muttered in the distance.

 

 

 

Hawke didn't know how to feel now, he was pissed off and maybe even upset, all he wanted was a cuddle....

 

Hawke left his room, Bodahn was still standing at his door, "Yes?" Hawke growled, he wasn't in the mood. "The girl..." Bodahn crossed his arms, "Right...." Hawke had forgotten, why couldn't she just send a letter like everyone else. Hawke opened the door. "Shit."

 

"HAWKE!" She looked familiar, blonde plats in her hair one on each side, short and young... "Do I know you?" Hawke squinted his eyes at the unfamiliar girl. "Evelyn... Evelyn Trevelyan." That name... Hawke knew it, from...where... "Ostwick?" The short girl crossed her arms, "You're not exactly bright are you?" She frowned. "Why did you come here, how did you escape?!" Hawke questioned.

 

Evelyn looked up at Hawke and she started biting her nails, "Well, everyone was doing it, so I did it too.. And I didn't come here for you loser, I came here for the pretty one." She was talking about Anders, yes...Hawke could remember that know... "Well he's here, try not to rape my boyfriend this time." Hawke rolled his eyes, "I won't unless he wants me too... I promise." She winked at him.

 

"Wow, this a real shit hole." She looked around, "Thanks...." Hawke mumbled, this girl was even more annoying than Fenris... "Anders, there's a visitor for you... It's not a templar." Hawke called. "Well that's good to know..." Anders came around the corner.... "YOU." He stepped back, almost hitting the wall... "HAWKE THIS WORST THEN A TEMPLAR!"

 

"Don't be like that!" She whined running over to him and holding him tight, pushing her head against his bare chest. "GET IT OFF ME."

"Nope..." Hawke looked down at his nails, "You got yourself into this mess."

"Hawke, I think it's licking me." Anders wiggled under grasp.. "You taste amazing." She looked up at Anders. "FUCK." Anders threw her back with a mind blast so hard she went flying and hit the wall. "Shit, sorry...SORRY." She got up and rubbed her head, tidying her braids, "Playing hard to get huh, whatever... You'll come crawling back... They all do." She smirked. This girl had to be at least fourteen, Hawke couldn't believe it.

 

"I'll find you a better boyfriend tonight if you leave mine alone." Hawke hissed at Evelyn. She crossed her, arms she wasn't happy at all, "He better be blonde and cute." She frowned.  Anders smiled wickedly, and looked at Hawke, "I think we know someone that fits that category, don't you think Hawke?"  Hawke had no idea who he was talking about... He thought about for a second than it hit him. "FENRIS!" Hawke smiled back at Anders, Anders smiled back with a smirk.

 

**~~~-x-x----o----x-x-~~~ **

 

 

"Hawke." A girls voice was at his bedroom door.

 

Hawke didn't want anything to do with this, it's not like promised anything and he was busy with Anders.

 

"HAWKE!" She banged the door.

 

Anders moved his long leg over Hawkes waist as they laid in bed, "Do we honestly have to keep that thing?" Anders whispered. "Nuh, I was thinking... Templars are probably looking for her, but if we just to kill it...and throw it in a creek somewhere....." He whispered back, the pillow muffling his voice, "You'd have to cut the head off, so they can't identify  it." Hawke pulled Anders close, feeling over his back. "Me? you're the doctor...." Anders moved his long hair out of his face and sat up a little, "I don't decapitate, Hawke..."

 

"Hawke, I know you're in there, I hear whispering, what are you talking about?" She whined.

 

"Nothing, sweetheart." Anders called.

 

"You said you get me a boyfriend..." She hissed.

"Find your own." Hawke yelled back.

 

"FINE I WILL." She pushed the door, and walked off.

 

Wow, Hawke thought, that was easier than killing her...  
 

Anders smiled, "Finally, some peace."

 

"So Cat'astrophe Cat are you up for round two?" Hawke looked up at Anders, his long blonde hair over his face, he was truly beautiful. "Do I get to be the desire demon this time?" Anders giggled. "Pfft, you wish you tall fuck." Hawke rolled his eyes, but the idea of Anders long legs in fishnet stockings was a thought worth having though.

......

 

**_One hour later..._ **

 

 

"What's that?" Anders moved his head to the side, facing the window, he could hear the faint sound of music, "Is there a parade in Hightown?" He asked Hawke, Hawke had no idea, parades and festivals weren't exactly his cup of tea. "Don't know, never seen one before." He shrugged.  "Should we go have a look?" Anders half squirmed out of Hawkes grasp, "And leave this bed...Never." Hawke grabbed Anders and pulled him back.

 

"You are so clingy, it's ridiculous." Anders signed, his face pushed hard against Hawkes. "But you love meeee."  Hawke squeezed him, Anders had to put up with a lot at times and people said he had issues...

 

A loud bang came from the lower story of the house. Hawke signed, what was it now...everything was at him today, why?

 

Hawke and Anders got up placing their clothes back on roughly and went out the door.

 

"Oh fuck." Anders looked about, their house was full of people. "What in Andraste's name is going on?!" Hawke yelled, he didn't invite anyone around, why was his house full of people... "Bodahn!!" Hawke was furious, "Master Hawke!!" He came running in huff, "All these people just showed up, they just pushed past me and came in!" Bodahn panted loud, from running up the stairs... "It, it must of been Evelyn." He breathed loud. "WHAT?" Ander's yelled. "She told me she wanted to look at Master Hawkes ledgers and contact books, she said that she was Master Hawkes daughter, and she wanted to find her mother.... I thought..." Hawke moved closer to Bodahn, "Do I look like the kinda guy that has a daughter?!" Bodahn gulped looking back at Master Anders, "I...I should have asked....I am sorry...she was persuasive!" 

 

How persuasive could a little girl be, he couldn't believe this, she had invited all these people here, Hawke had to get rid of them fast.

 

As he walked down the stairs there were balloons, party food and drinks, Hawke quickly grabbed one and downed it fast, he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Merrill!" He called, she was standing near the fire place, he was glad to see a familiar face out of all these people he had never seen. "Hawke!" She smiled, "Congratulations, oh...is that how you humans say it? Oh I never get these things right." She felt over her hair. "No...no... You got it..." Hawke needed to speed it along. "Congratulations for what, Merrill?" She looked at him and tilted her head, "You found your daughter, That's why we are all here!"

 

Hawke couldn't believe this that little brat, he was going ring her neck when he saw her, at least thought about anyway. "CONGRATULATIONS." Everyone yelled, throwing confetti in the air, "How does it feel to be a father, Hawke?" Everyone asked as he walked past, "I am going to kill that little brat." He cracked his fingers in his hands.

 

"VARRIC, OH MY GOD, YOU CAME... I AM LIKE...LIKE YOUR BIGGEST FAN...." Evelyn screamed loud and ran across the room, "Oh hey there kido..." Varric didn't know how to react, he knew his books where good but he never thought he'd get this kind of reaction from a little girl, did she even understand his books? "OH MY, your chest hair...." She gazed at it, her eyes wide. "Let me touch it, PLEASE?" Varric looked at her, normally he wouldn't have a problem with it, but was this girl old enough for it not to be weird? "Ah, kid... Maybe not..." Varric looked at Hawke, "HAWKE, there you are.... save me..." He rushed over... "That's your kid?" He whispered, "I mean, when I heard it was true, I was expecting them to be more like Craver...but...this... She doesn't even look like you..." Hawke didn't know what to say to that, Hawke didn't know how to react to any of this. "She is not my daughter." He grunted. "Hawke, that's not very nice... I mean she just found you and all, she's probably just really excited."  Isabela said behind Hawke. Great she was here too, he turned to her, she was smirking  and holding a cup of liquor in gloved hand. "Great party by the way, never thought you'd have one here though."

 

Hawke was angry, he loved a good party and some drinking but that was at The Hanged Man, not here in his own house, with people destroying his own shit. "I want everyone out." Hawke hissed. "But papa, I just found you."  Evelyn looked at them and started tearing up, shit, she was doing this on purpose...she wanted everyone against Hawke. "HAWKE." Isabela slapped him across the jaw, "You'll look after this girl and not be cruel." He couldn't believe he was hearing this from her, but Isabela had a soft spot for children and women. "Well what would you do if a child came to your door saying it was yours?!" Hawke grunted to Isabela... "Probably dump it in Darktown.."  She laughed, "But you're responsible, not like me... So you will look after her!" She nagged. "Shit..." Hawke wiped his face, he had to pretend this girl was his daughter or look like a child neglecter..."SHIT." Hawke had enough... "You have your fucking party, I am going up stairs into my room and I am going to get so off my head that'll I'll drown you all out." Isabela yelled out as Hawke was headed up the stairs. "Hawke, you're father now, you can't just do that shit!" Hawke didn't care... Fuck them...fuck them all... Why couldn't she just say she was Anders kid...oh the Grey Warden thing, shit, she was smartass too... Fucking fantastic.

 

"Hawke, love." Anders walked in... "You're seriously getting high right now?" He looked at Hawke, sitting on the floor his nose white.. "Yup." He said casually. "Second thought, good idea, pass it." Anders agreed. Hawke pushed the bowl over... "Great, here's to parenthood." Anders scoffed while taking the powder. Anders sat up and wiped his nose, "That felt different," He looked at Hawke, Hawke was smiling, why was he smiling, "Extra strength this time." He smiled wide showing his teeth.

 

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

The room was spinning, all these colours were appearing out of nowhere, Hawke tilted his head... "Is t...that a fu....cking grif..fon?" Anders tilted his head towards Hawke, "Ooooh shit........I thought...I thought they had...had all fuckin...what was it? Died..." Then why was there one in his bedroom, "Look at it prancing around.... like it fuckin owns the place." Hawke scoffed, "Hey Andy...." Hawke got confused. "I hear...I hear that when you become a...ah..." Hawke closed his eyes than opened them. "Ah, Grey Warden that you drink the blood of a griffon, so you can sprout wings and fly around and shit..." Anders turned his head to Hawke, "Shit, they told me it was...archy demon blood....shit, I can grow fuckin wings?" Did Anders just say he was a demon...a arch demon, can he grow wings? "Shit, Andy... You never told me you had fucking wings." Hawke looked back at the griffon in his room, it's long front claws where digging into his rug fucking his room up. "I wanna fly..." Anders sobbed, "We can fly way from our responsibility as parents." Anders cried, shit.. Hawke thought, he had forgotten about his _daughter,_ did Anders consider her his daughter too?

 

"Andy...she's meh daughter..." Hawke blinked. "Your children are my...children...no matter how annoying and short they are." Anders kissed Hawke on the cheek, that might be the nicest thing he had ever said to Hawke... "C'mon, Hawky-poo lets meet our kid." Anders tried to stand, but his long legs where wobbly in the knees, he pulled Hawke up as best he could. "Shit, you're getting fat." Anders held Hawke up. "Stress of being a father..." Hawke sobbed a little. "Come on honey..." Anders held Hawkes hand and they left the room.

 

They walked to the balcony, both looking over, music was playing loud and people where swarming around Evelyn, "At least she's blonde like her mother." Hawke looked at Anders, "Shit... I am a mother?" He looked down at her. "Yeah, well I am the papa.." Shit, that was to real to say, Hawke felt like being sick... "Andy you should just...try flying.....you know." Hawke looked down, it was a good distance between them and floor and Hawke really wanted to see Anders wings... Anders was pulling his robe off, it was a great idea...if he could fly it would solve all his problems. "Why...why you talking off your clothes?" Hawke didn't mind the view though, "If I grow wings, it'll fuck up my robes... I only have one." His black feathered robes fell to the floor, that explained why he always wore the same thing, Hawke never thought about it.

 

Anders stepped onto the ledge in nothing but his kitty knickers. "Cat'astrophe Cat!!" He called stepping from the ledge.

 

**_Thump..._ **

 

"Shit....." Hawke heard a muffled groan... "ANDY!!!....." He Ran after him half tripping down the staircase, Hawke pushed his way through the people, Anders laid flat on the grown, "Nooooo!" Hawke cradled him in his arms, "Andy...." Hawke nudged him, "Hawke.....I couldn't fly..." His voice was a soft cry... "Maybe you're not warden anymore..." Hawke whispered back. "I am not?" He placed his arms around Hawkes neck. "I can be a mother now, a real one?" Hawke stood up on his feet, holding Anders. " HE'S CURED, HE CAN BE A MOTHER!" Anders had tears of joy pouring down his face.

 

"Well shit." Varric looked at them, he had never seen Anders in his knickers before, not that he ever wanted too... "Hawke, what in Andraste's name is happening?!" A figure appeared from the dark, his amazing hair was shinning in the light, Fenris. "I have seen this before, Hawke has taken gaatlok infused with lyrium, they make saarebas's take it...it's not supposed to be for humans!" Hawke had no idea what he and Anders had been taking this whole time, but he was glad he found out, now he knew what to ask for to buy more.

 

Evelyn looked at Fenris from across the room, her pupils where dilated, eyes wide, she saw the most beautiful blonde she had ever seen... "Hi....." She spoke to him, was this the one the other cute blonde had promised her? She didn't care... She wanted this elf...  Fenris looked down at the strange human girl, "Yes?" He spoke to me, he SPOKE to me, she screamed in her head... "My name is Evelyn." She fluttered her eyelashes. "You're Hawke's daughter?" That was the most stupid thing she had ever come up with, but being the champion of Kirkwall's daughter had its perks. "Uh huh...Say, wanna get a drink with me?" Fenris looked down at her pigtails, was she old enough? He could never tell with humans, they all looked the same. "Sure, why not." He muttered.

 

Hawke snarled form the distance, Fenris was going to take his daughter?! "Our little girl is growing up." Anders wept more. "Yours?" Varric asked in a hushed whisper, "Yeah Hawkes children are my children." Anders smiled wide, "Oh shit... Great." Varric, signed. Aveline, barged through the crowd, "HAWKE, ANDERS HERE NOW" She yelled, Hawke was scared, Aveline always scared him, he shuffled over to here, still holding Anders in his arms... "Yes?" She snared at him, "We need to talk in private." Shit, this didn't sound good. Aveline walked into the dinning room with Hawke following her, Anders still in his arms. "Andraste's sake Hawke, put down Anders!" Hawke slowly dropped Anders, Aveline looked away, she had seen many disturbing things working as Guard Captain, but this took the cake, she didn't need to see a grown man in his kitty knickers.

 

"Hawke, be straight with me... This child isn't your daughter." She grunted, "She is our daughter!" Anders hissed. "Alright, that answers that... Hawke, this is against the law, you can't just tell half of Kirkwall she's your daughter... And don't think I haven't noticed she's mage..." Anders crossed his arms, he was mad. "Of course she's a mage, she's our child!" Aveline scrunched up her face, "What the fuck are you on?! Hawke what did you do to Anders?" Hawke shrugged, admitting he was taking Quinari drugs with Anders to Aveline would be a bad idea. She shook her head, " Hawke this is kidnapping.." Anders cried loud, "YOU WILL NOT TAKE OUR DAUGHTER, LIKE I WAS TAKEN." He cried, "The templars are taking our baby, Hawke... Don't let them." He cried louder falling to his knees. "I won't let that happen Andy...I promise." Hawke looked down at his crying lover, and wrapped his arms around him..."Shh.. Everything will be okay." He wiped his tears away. "I will have to take her if you don't return her to her parents." Aveline crossed her arms. "She doesn't have any..." Hawke looked away, than back down to Anders.... "We'll adopt her." He looked up with a smirk.

 

"WHAT?" Evelyn walked into the room holding two drinks dropping both at her feet. "We are adopting you." Evelyn looked at the two men, the blonde attractive one was looking less attractive now, he sat there half naked a total mess. "I don't what you two fuckwits as parents..." She snarled, "Then, I'll have to return you..." Aveline's jaw clenched. Shit, Evelyn thought, it's either be the daughter of these two losers or be a circle mage...shit.... "Alright...I'll be your daughter..." She smiled.

 

"This is great and all..." She looked utterly pissed, "Hawke you have to married to adopt a child, and too a woman...two men can't adopt." That wasn't going to stop Hawke, if Anders wanted this child then that's exactly what he'd get, but he wasn't about to marry a woman for him... That's when he got the idea, the amazing wonderful, perfect idea.... "I can have a wife..." Hawke smiled at Aveline, "And who is going to marry you Hawke, defiantly not me." She scoffed. "Anders." He smiled.

 

"Anders is a male, Hawke... Everyone knows that." She rolled her eyes looking down at him on the floor. "He kinda looks like a woman though..." Hawke giggled. Anders was wide eyed, "What?" Aveline blinked, she didn't know what to say, she laughed. "If you can find someone who will actually marry you two, I'll leave Evelyn alone..." Hawke moved forward, "You promise." Aveline nodded her head, no one would be stupid enough to marry these two. "Sure Hawke, I promise..." Now plan to get rid of this kid before I call my guards on you, she frowned.

 

"SHIT." Evelyn muttered, "You better have some good fucking ideas." Hawke smiled... I know exactly who will marry us... "Come on Anders dear, we need you dressed for our wedding..." Anders looked at both of them, "Shit."

 

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

Evelyn was pulling Anders hair back and brushing it. They were in Hawke's mothers room, lucky she went way for the weekend to see Craver. Hawke ruffled through his mothers clothes, his mother was short like him, at least Anders was skinny like Leandra though. "How about this." Hawke showed Evelyn the dress. "Ew that's so dated..." She gave him a disgusted look. "This?" Hawke pulled out another... "Yes!" it was a frilly pink dress with ruffles on the sleeves. Anders grabbed it and slipped it on, it fitted him perfectly, and it didn't look half bad either, other then him looking like a giant stick of cotton candy. "Mhmmm...the legs..." She muttered, "What's wrong with my legs?" Anders knew he was defiantly taller than the average woman...but that wouldn't be a big deal. "They are hairy as fuck." Evelyn laughed... "I will wax them." Anders stepped back.. "WHAT?" Hawke grabbed him and pushed him down on his mothers bed.. "DO IT." He yelled at Evelyn... "Alright, alright... Just let me get my things..." Evelyn gathered her stuff, "I am sorry Anders..." She smoothed the wax over Anders leg, "Hawke, no...please..." He panicked.. "DO IT." Hawke roared, it took all his strength to hold Anders down, Evelyn pulled the hair away on a large strip of fabric, Anders screamed... "Hawke...I hate you..." His eyes where full of tears...

 

Evelyn was doing the finally touches of Anders make up, "Hold still..." Hawke was getting into his best suit he had, he needed to look good... He needed to look like a responsible adult, the one who spent his days as Champion, not Nighthawke who was high all the time and drank his weight in booze and had a tall sexy boyfriend... 

 

"Wow," Anders grasped at Hawke, he had never seen him like this... He looked like a real gentlemen.

 

Hawke looked back at Anders, he looked like a woman, a real one.. Not just Hawkes loveable bitch, Anders stood up wearing his mothers heels, Anders was a tall man, but now he was a really...really tall woman... And his face was as smooth as his legs, this was awkward for Hawke, he wanted his hair bear back....

 

"So, who's going to marry us?" Anders said flatting out his skirt... "I'll show you dear..." Hawke held Anders hand and lead him back to the party.

 

 

"Isabela!" Hawke called, "Where is that stupid...whor-----" he muttered. "I am behind you." Hawke turned, "Oh, right...uh... So well...you're a Pirate Captain..." Hawke felt uncomfortable asking this, Anders hand was getting all sweaty on his, "Ah, yeah Hawke... Without a ship or a crew..." She rolled her eyes... "But you are still a Captain..." Hawke's brow was getting sweaty now too... "Just fucking marry us...you can marry people..." Isabela, stood back...she had only just noticed the tall...very tall woman next to Hawke...was that a woman...no... "Anders?!" She laughed... "Hawke, I knew you two where champions on the streets and smiting in the sheets...but Hawke....." She laughed louder, "I'll do it, but you'll owe me forever..." She winked. "Deal..." Hawke nodded, he had already been Isabela's sex slave one night before Anders, nothing could be worse than that. 

 

"Alright, well we are going to need witnesses to this marriage so no one says otherwise, so lets just do it here." Hawke gulped, every he knew was here thanks Evelyn, everyone he knew and more... "Alright... Anders's didn't wax his legs for nothing..."

"Varric!" Hawke called, "Yes Chuckles, oh...wow..." He looked back staring at the tall woman, "I need you walk my bride down the isle." Varric normally loved romance...but this...this was off... "Well shit, Hawke... You're my best friend and all...."

"Great, than fucking do it." Hawke crossed his arms, "Sure...sure..." Varric walked up to the large woman, he had seen her somewhere before...he knew it... "ANDERS?" Anders looked down, "Shush." Varric felt stupid, of course Hawke would marry Anders, how could he think otherwise... He never thought he'd be walking him down the isle though...too Hawke...

 

"Merrill, come here...throw some fucking flowers or something... Whatever the fuck you Dalish do..." Hawke hissed, as the music started playing to a wedding theme, "Oh, just wonderful!" She pulled the flowers from Hawke's mothers vase and threw the petals in the air as Varric walked Anders down to Hawke, Varric looked up to Anders, his head was up to his knees, he was the tallest...manliest woman he had ever seen...nice legs though...

 

Isabela stood with Hawke, Hawke looked down at his beautiful big bride, he had never seen such a stunningly tall woman. Hawke started to weep tears, oh no, he thought, "I am such a square." He sobbed softly, Isabela chuckled gently, "Yeah, Hawke..."

 

Varric walked Anders to Hawke placing his hand in his, "You're so beautiful." Hawke teared up, his eyes going redder than before, Anders blushed heavy under all the makeup, "I love you Garett Hawke..." Anders wept, as all their friends and strangers watched... "Ah, yeah...lovely you two..." Isabela had no idea what was going on, this was awkward even for her... "Ah...So do you Garrett Hawke take....." She didn't know what to say, she couldn't _'Anders'_ in front of all these people... Hawke butted in and coughed loud, "I Garrett Hawke, in the name of The Maker and Andraste take you _Anne Griffon_ , to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death." Hawke couldn't believe he just said all that with a straight face.... "Oh, I am the happiest girl in the world." Anders teared up...

 

Anders looked back at Evelyn she was standing next to Fenris and she was holding Gaatlok the cat in her arms, he had a pink ribbon around his neck that matched Anders dress, Anders was going to be a proud mother.. "I do!" He said, facing Hawke, "Uh, yeah...uhm... You may kiss your...." She looked at Anders... "Bride, I guess." Anders bent down and kissed his short loveable husband, Hawke grabbed Anders off his feet and kissed him full on the lips. Everyone cheered and Merrill threw the flowers into the air, "This is the best party ever." She cheered.

"I now pronounce you man and... wife..." Isabela rolled her eyes. Hawke kissed Anders again and giggled. "Pussy boy." He muttered softly.

 

~~**~-x-x----o----x-x-~** ~~

 

 

Evelyn coughed loudly, "Come on you two, we need to make it to the Viscounts Keep in time!"  Hawke looked at his bestie Varric. "Varric, you know I can't write for shit, write us up some marriage certificates and be quick about it!"

"Shit Hawke, you don't ever ask for little things do you..." Varric looked at Hawke, Hawke looked like was going to cry... "Shit...SHIT, get me some paper..."

 

  

 

 

 

_To be continued...._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "champions on the streets and smiting in the sheets." X'D 
> 
> -Sorry for making Anders so gender confused while high, but it was worth it.. haha... -It's all Hawke's fault...
> 
>  
> 
> This will be continued tomorrow... I promise... well.. I hope so.. I'll try... 
> 
> Hope you enjoy... "Anne Griffon..." Omfg....


	4. High in Hightown Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of High in Hightown

**High in Hightown Part II**

 

 

Hawke grabbed the papers in hand looking them over, "Yes...yes... _Anne Griffon_." Hawke chuckled, looking at his beautiful manly wife. The Viscounts Keep wasn't far away, but they had to make it there before closing, they couldn't waste anymore time, every second wasted they were closer to having Evelyn taken away.

 

Evelyn was next to Fenris looking smitten with the blonde broody elf, Hawke didn't know what to say to that, was Fenris going to be dating his fake young teenage daughter? The idea of it made him mad, but why...he didn't care before? Hawke closed his fist briefly and than opened it, he couldn't do this now.... "Thanks Varric." He looked down at his dwarf bestie, "Please don't ask me to do this shit again." Varric rolled his eyes, Hawke wouldn't promise that.

 

"Come on Evelyn, Anders---Anne...." Hawke winked, Evelyn looked at Fenris, "Come too, please?" She looked him wide eyes and fluttering those long eyelashes, Fenris looked at Hawke and the lady that looked strangely like Anders, "Ah...sure." Evelyn grabbed his hand, "READY." She smiled. Hawke couldn't take his eyes off his new bride as they walked outside, " _I love you Anne Griffon._ " He muttered under his breath so no one but Anders would hear, " _Anne Hawke."_ Anders smiled back, he was right, they were married now...Anders was a _Hawke_ now...

 

Evelyn Hawke, no...that sounded weird in his head, he'd have to do something about that, but now wasn't the time. Hawke, Anne, Evelyn and Fenris ran through Hightown, Anders clunked along in Hawke's mothers heels, he could walk and run in them better than Hawke thought he would be able too. They ran up the long stairs to the Viscounts Keep, "Hawke...." Anders puffed, "I can't run in these heels much longer," He signed... Anders was the typical non-fit mage, Hawke picked Anders up off his feet, like had many times before and held him tightly as he walked up the stairs with him in his arms, Hawke was a good husband.

 

Fenris opened the door to the Viscounts Keep, "I...should wait here until you're done...doing whatever you're doing." He leaded against the wall patting his fridge down, "I'll be back soon honey," Evelyn blew him a kiss, Fenris blushed watching her braids flitter in the wind as she ran off to join back with Hawke and Anders.

 

"Bran Cavin!!" Hawke called, that's who he needed, he had done enough for him in the past and didn't know Anders well at all, he could fill out the paper work to have Evelyn adopted to him. "Bran!" Hawke called again, "Ah, yes....Oh Hawke...." He looked up at the largest woman he had ever seen, "Ah, aren't you just a.....lovely creature." He gulped, it was the ugliest woman he had ever set eyes on and he been to Darktown on multiple occasions... "This is my new wife _Anne Hawke_." Hawke smiled, "Ah, so..... That's lovely to hear, but why are you telling me?" He turned his eyes to Hawke.  "We wanted to adopt.... This young girl." Hawke pulled Evelyn in front of him, "I don't do adoptions Hawke." Bran rolled his eyes, "You'll fucking do what I tell you, unless you want the Quinari back here." Hawke hissed. Bran breathed heavy, could Hawke actually do that? He had years and years worth the paper work he had to do after that, he would rather not risk it. "Lets not be rash Hawke, come this way..." He showed Hawke to his office and let Anne and Hawke take a seat at his desk.

 

Bran fumbled through his desk, there had to be something in here to do with adoptions, "Ah yes...this will do." He pulled out a form, "Sign this Hawke and get you're.....dashing wife to sign it too." Bran couldn't help staring at the giant woman who looked like cotton candy in his office, he never expected Hawke to be into that, he had heard rumours Hawke lived with a man... Hawke pulled out his wedding certificate and handed it too bran, "Ah, yes..." He flicked it over and read the words, "You were married by a one, Captain Isabela, how quaint." He smiled, "Oh, and this was written by a Varric  Tethras, doesn't he write adult books?" Hawke pulled on his collar, "Ah, no..." Evelyn smiled and pushed Hawkes chair to the side, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIS FUCKING BOOKS DON'T READ THEM." Bran fell back in his chair, "Oh...." Hawke pushed her back, "Ah...sorry she's a little touchy... She has her mothers mouth too." He looked over at Anders, "Fuck, yeah she does." He smiled and said in his girlish voice with a giggle.

 

"Right, well this all done and set..." Bran was finalizing the paper work, "Hold on..one second..." Hawke muttered, he pulled the paper back for a moment and started crossing out something and writing something else. "Ah....lovely Hawke." Bran muttered, "What did you do, love?" Anders smiled at Hawke, Hawke just responded with a toothy smile that made Anders not question what he was doing. "Alright, it's all done..." Bran dripped wax onto the adoption papers and pressed in the Viscounts seal, "You both are now proud parents." Anders wept tears again, "I am a mother Hawke," He pulled Evelyn to his chest, and held her tight against his fake bosoms, "Please stop touching me....mum." Evelyn couldn't believe those words, she couldn't believe what she had gotten herself into, but on the plus side she had a super hot blonde elf, with tattoos waiting for her outside, that made everything worth it.

 

Hawke grabbed the paper work quickly and shoved it into his coat, "Let's go home now." He wept looking at his new family, you couldn't wait to write and tell Carver about how his a uncle now, his mother hand was probably going to have a stroke when she found out he had married Anders and now they have a mage child together.

 

Evelyn ran out into the hall and jumped into Fenris arms, "FENRISSS." She squealed, pushing him to the ground and kissing all over his face, "Please........stop.........touching.......me." He grunted in between kisses, at least she was leaving Anders alone now though.

 

~~**  ~-x-x----o----x-x-~ ** ~~

 

 

Hawke couldn't be more happier to be at home, it might have been trashed but it looked like Varric and Isabela had done their best to try and tidy it up while they were gone. Hawke's estate in Hightown was now a family home with a full family in it again, he hadn't lived this way since his father died in Lothering all those years ago, "Well you two kidos have fun," Hawke grunted at Evelyn and Fenris in his house once more, "Anne and I have a honeymoon to have..." Hawke winked at Anders, "OH." he grasped, with all the excitement of being married he had forgotten about that....

 

"Come on kitty cat." Hawke picked Anders up and again and carried him up the stairs, he couldn't wait to take the make up and dress off, just to have his Anders back...

 

 

 

Hawke and Anders laid in bed once more, happy and content with life, he had married the man of his dreams, he was a beautiful woman and a even sexier man, Hawke was very happy with his new marriage. The Quinari powder was starting to wear off now as the dazed into each others eyes, "I love you Garrett," Anders smiled, he hardly ever called Hawke by his first name, "I love you too Pussy boy." Hawke kissed his cheek, "We should probably check on our daughter." Anders muttered, Hawke had forgotten he had one again, "You're probably right." Having a daughter couldn't be so bad though,  he could look after a mabari well enough...

 

They both got dressed and left the room, "Evelyn?" Anders called, where was she? They didn't see her anywhere... Hawke walked around, where had she gone... "Evelyn??" Anders called again.... Hawke opened in mothers bedroom door, Evelyn and Fenris where in bed.... "SHIT." Hawke closed the door fast...

 

"WHAT?" Anders called, "She's not our little girl anymore." Hawke cried... "FENRIS?" Anders hissed, Anders blew the door open with magic, no one was going to hurt his little girl, and defiantly not Fenris. "What do you think you're doing, young lady?" Anders hands where on his hips, "What does it fucking look like?" Evelyn hugged Fenris close in bed, "Fenris, she's like fourteen." Hawke couldn't believe it, he had no idea how old Fenris was....but he was defiantly older than her by a lot... "I am not fourteen fuckface." She swore at Hawke, "Don't talk to your father like that," Anders hissed. "She's nineteen." Fenris muttered in bed... "WHAT?" Anders and Hawke couldn't believe it, they had been deceived this whole time.... "You leave our daughter alone Fenris..." Fenris snarled, "Evelyn and I can do whatever we want." He snapped back at Hawke and Anders.

 

"About that..." Hawke smiled pulling out the paperwork... "You're not Evelyn anymore...."

 

"WHAT?" She moved forward pulling the sheets up with her grabbing the paperwork in here hands.

 

" _Helga Garrett Hawke_."  She breathed heavy, she couldn't believe this, he had changed her name... "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU." She screamed.

 

"Pay back is a bitch." Hawke smirked, pulling Anders back out of the door and slamming it behind them...

 

"Well that was _Hawkward_." Anders giggled.

 

 

 

 

 

**~~  ~-x-x----o----x-x-~  ~~ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun little short story... Hopefully it was enjoyable to read... XD
> 
> Next chapter is "Going low in Lowtown."
> 
> Nuh I am joking... seriously.... no... hahaha  
>  
> 
>  __
> 
> No, these stories aren't exactly over yet.. I'll add to them every now and again.. ;)


End file.
